Why Progressivism is Better than Conservatism

Progressives love people and nature and small animals.  Conservatives want you to die a horrible death in a polluted, toxic ghetto, while they laugh at you and lounge on their fat, racist asses, counting their ill-gotten profits stolen from sickly widows and gorging on trans-fatty foods taken from the mouths of starving children.  This is not meant to be an emotional indictment of all conservatives.  It’s just the way they are, and we can’t hide the truth.

We do not choose to compete in the arena of ideas with conservatives because it just isn’t worth the time and energy.  It’s not that our ideas are substandard, it’s just that once people hear them out of context in the right-wing media such as CNN, they may sound illogical or idiotic.  But they are not!  When they are presented in context, i.e., after we make them into laws and people have no choice, then everyone will see the hidden wisdom of Progressivism coming out of the shadows.

We believe that government is inherently good, and the bigger it is and the more it controls, the better it is.  Capitalism and private companies are inherently evil, however, because the government doesn’t completely control them.  We have many evil companies such as Wal Mart and Fed Ex, who take jobs away from SEIU and the Postal Workers Union.  They supply artificially cheap goods and services, rather than the naturally jacked-up prices required to support government and public unions.

Our vision is a world where all goods and services are provided by the government, and everyone belongs to a union.  Of course where everyone is unionized, the only thing unions can strike against are other unions.  We’ll make that work somehow.  The union bosses are all old-line Marxists and Mafioso, so they’re pretty smart. 

The government of course can do everything more cheaply and efficiently, especially if there is no evil private enterprise to compete with.  After all, the government sent a man to the moon!  Well, we don’t really think that actually happened.  NASA staged it all inside a giant government hanger.  But, they faked it very well.  We also realize that the government blew up the twin towers, and were very skilled at covering it all up.  So, we do know that the government is extremely competent at many things, including corruption, subterfuge, destruction, and cover-ups.

Progressives are superior in every way.  We are more highly educated and donate more to charity than conservatives.  Don’t let cold statistics convince you the opposite is true.  We have not succumbed to all that religious mumbo-jumbo and God worshiping.  We are firmly scientifically-grounded, and understand that man is wholly responsible for the chaotic changes in the weather, as this is Gaia’s punishment on us all.

Progressivism is actually socialism, but we don’t like to publicize this due to its undeservedly bad reputation.  People don’t understand our contemporary socialist worldview because of all of the previous failures of socialism throughout human history.  Just because millions of socialist citizens were slaughtered or starved to death in Russia, China, Cuba and every other country it has been tried in doesn’t make it a bad system.  This time it will work!  We will all be equals, except for the ruling class which will control the distribution of all wealth to the proletariat. What could go wrong?  Oh, by the way, you will be in the glorious proletariat, while we enlightened ones will carry the burden of ruling class life.

Under our system, there will be no unemployment, no suffering, and plentiful healthcare for all of our healthy citizens.  That is because we will follow the tenets of socialist George Bernard Shaw, who proclaimed that all citizens should appear before a government panel every five years to justify their worth to the state.  If they cannot, e.g., they are unemployed, old, or sick, the state will process them and redistribute their usable organs.

We need to emphasize that although we are socialists, we are not National Socialists.  National Socialists are NAZIs.  They are completely different from us.  They wear brown shirts and hate Jews.  We wear purple or red shirts and hate Zionists.  There’s a BIG difference between Jews and Zionists.  It’s just too complicated to explain here, and you wouldn’t understand it anyway, since if you are reading this you are probably a stupid conservative.  Suffice it to say that Zionists are conservative Jews who deserve to be eradicated.  So you see, we are not NAZIs  (like Glenn Beck and Sarah Palin).  Since conservatives by nature are subhuman, we cannot be accused of being anti-Semitic just because we want Zionists to die.

It is apparent that those who disagree with our philosophy are Teabaggers, racists, Neocon Neanderthals, ignorant sluts like Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann, Uncle Toms like Col. Allen West and Clarence Thomas, or big, fat, white loudmouths like Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck.  They have no concept of decency, propriety, or civil discourse, so they should all be decapitated and burn in hell.

Thank you for your kind attention and advocacy.  Please spread the word about us to the ignorant masses.

Lucifer Artiste